While having breakfast with the kids, we usually watch one of the morning shows.  This one commercial keeps coming on and it grosses me out.

It begins with, “What if we all said no to over processed food?”

OK…I can go with that…

“No to food that’s not fit for our kids…and yes to real”

Yeah!  I’m on board with that!!

“Say yes to Hellman’s…Hellman’s Mayonnaise!”

What!?!

Since when is mayonnaise healthy food for anyone, let alone our kids? Wait!  When did mayonnaise become food?  I though it was a condiment!

Then they show people eating sandwiches slathered in mayo…one even had to wipe the glop from his mouth.  Ewww!!!

I just get this mental image of potato salad out too long at a summer picnic.  I about lose it every time it’s on.  It’s now in the the same category of commercials that Hardee’s keeps putting out.  Slurp, smack, slurp, smack (I’m gagging writing this!)

If you have not seen the commercial I am talking about…enjoy:

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/OOd-jIvGhwM" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

I swear we see the weirdest things in our neighborhood.  This evening Heyzeus was going crazy because of some one outside.  I didn’t think too much of it because this is a common occurrence…He’s a bit excitable.

But when Maggie joined in, I thought it was worth a look.

I peered out the screen door to see an older middle-aged woman I had never seen before.  In one hand was a bag from Barnes & Noble (I think).  In the other hand she held a shovel.

I guess the shovel needed a walk.  And if it made a mess, she had a bag to clean it up.  (Hey, Billy!  I referenced poop again!)

But it still doesn’t top the time I saw some neighborhood kids going into the woods at the end of our street with a scythe (pictured at right).

Have I mentioned that I want to move?

I opened up my in-box this morning and had an e-mail from ‘Cheesecake’. I’m thinking today might be a fairly good day (just not for the diet!)

UPDATE:  OK…maybe not so good, but very funny…

Clayton was being a spaz this morning and driving me nuts.  Right before we left, I had the kids take out Heyzeus.  Not 30 seconds later, they were back in.  Clayton was gagging, Shelby was laughing hysterically, and Heyzeus looked like he had to go potty still.  Clayton was messing around, tripped over a mole hill, and fell face first into a pile of dog poop.  His shoulder, face, and hands were all covered in dog poop.

I sent him to the bathroom to clean up, but it was hopeless.  I had to throw him in the tub.  We were out the door ten minutes later than usual, but with a good story.

Clay now has a new nickname…Senior Poop!

Here is a list of a few lessons I have learned in the past handful of days:

• High winds make old trees fall down, go boom.
• Checking your snail mail in a timely manner is a prudent thing.
• I like electricity.
• Our banks new ’system’ sucks. I mean, really, who needs access to their own money?
• My parents do love me.
• Finding out you have a twice convicted sexual predator living next door to you is a little unnerving. Finding out the landlord knows and doesn’t care is appalling. Finding out the victims were the same age as your children is down right terrifying.
• While stuck in the dark, it suddenly is not such a bad thing to be a failed PartyLite consultant.
• Candle light is not always romantic.
• Boyfriend bought a portable DVD player months ago.
• The girls at my bank are smart cookies and will go out of their way for loyal customers.
• You cannot pay your Ameren-Cilco bill at Ameren-Cilco.
• You cannot pay your Ameren-Cilco bill at Kroger’s.
• You cannot pay your Ameren-Cilco bill at Khoury’s.
• You can pay your Ameren-Cilco bill in Peoria at Neighborhood Communications, 2201 SW Adams St, Suite 12, Ph 309-494-9390. The owner is a lovely man.
• Having your six-year-old wonder aloud why so many cars have sweet rims in the South End makes you think he needs some cultural diversity and time away from Dad.
• My children need a refresher course on how to behave in public.
• A Miniature Pincher will jump out of a car window at the drive-thru speaker if he doesn’t like what he is hearing.
• For once, putting off grocery shopping paid off.
• Hearing that same six-year-old singing American Pie is never not cute.
• ‘Frozen’ mixed berries, slightly thawed and slammed in a freezer door, make a really big mess.
• I could use a vacation.

***This post contains spoilers from the movie The Happening. If you wish to not have the movie spoiled, you may want to skip this post. But honestly, I may be doing you a favor and saving you a couple hours.***

I watched M. Night Shyamalan’s (or Shama-la-ma-ding-dong, as Boyfriend affectionately calls him) newest movie, The Happening. This was one of a few movies I could not wait to see this summer.

I know I am in the minority of most movie-goers, in that I really like M. Night Shyamalan movies. And I’m even in a smaller minority because The Sixth Sense is probably my least favorite. In my opinion, his stories are more of a fable than a thriller or mystery. He is great at the fantastic twist ending that shows what the story is truly about. (example: If you took away from Signs that water can kill aliens and filed that away in case of a future attack…you missed the point. And if you missed the point…I am going to guess that English Lit was a particularly difficult class for you in high school or college.)

The whole movie was really good, up until the last 5 minutes or so. You think the two leads are about to die when “Three Months Later” flashes on the screen. You see the two leads getting ready in the morning, so they obviously survived. Of course, they have a morning news show on in the background discussing the ‘event’.

Here’s the thing…I could buy the mechanism of why the ‘event’ happened. Apparently the plant kingdom pulled a Twisted Sister and wasn’t going to take “man’s” abuse any longer. So all plants conversed and decided to release some type of chemical causing people to kill themselves in the most violent and weird ways possible. And I thought Tim Bedore was onto something with his animal conspiracy…He got the wrong species!! (If you have never heard of Tim Bedore or his Animal Conspiracy…please read it. It’s very funny!)

I am going along with this explanation. I’m buying into the sort-of-happy-ending. Then the fake news show says the line (liberally paraphrased), “We are certain this is due to global warming. We are killing our environment and the environment is fighting back.”

What?!?

Oh no, Shama-la-ma-ding-dong! Don’t go there!!

Please tell me you haven’t had the Al Gore/Leo Dicaprio Kool Aid!?!

Look…I do not disagree that we all need to be environmentally conscious. I have made an effort to greenify. But wouldn’t a fairly educated person realize that some of these environmental scare tactics are a little over the top?

I don’t want to get into that discussion on this blog though. So I will stop there (read that as…if you want to leave a comment telling me I am an eco-tard…stick to the topic at hand, which is not the environment…The topic is Kool-Aid. You may call me an eco-tard through the screen. I promise that I can hear you, just as well as you can hear me retorting that you are a technology-tard…).

But I digress…a lot…

The point of this is I very much like M. Night Shama-lama’s movies. It’s really disappointing that I didn’t get the heart warming, tear jerking life lesson I was expecting. It was an ending with a twist. I just hope he twists back for his next movie.

It’s late. I’m going to finish my glass of delicious Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid (the drink of eco-tards everywhere…or at least this trailerhood) and go to bed.

My friend, Jill, and I took our kids to the Grossology exhibit at Lakeview Museum Tuesday afternoon.

I could not wait to take my kids to show them how fun a museum could be. My kids know I spend a fair amount of time working on Peoria Playhouse stuff, but they do not really have a point of reference as to why it’s so important to me and others involved in the project. I thought an exhibit about burping, farting, and puking would be a great place to start for my 6 & 9-year-olds.

I had not been to Lakeview Museum in years, something I plan to not happen again. We had to go purchase our tickets in the gift shop, where we found all kinds of cool things for us to look at. By far the best stuff in the store were the historical action figures.

First was Leonardo Da Vinci, complete with easel and paintings.

Next was Vincent van Gogh. Jill and I had the exact same thought, “Does it come with removable ear?” It does not come with removable ear, but it did come with a separate bandaged head. It was pretty cool.

The last action figure was Marie Antoinette. We two adults dissolve into giggles knowing it had to have a removable head. Not only did it have a removable head, it had “Ejector Head Action”. At that point we were busting out the camera phones. We had to share this with other people. It’s just to fantastic to describe without pictures!

Once we moms got our composure, we headed to the exhibits. The kids loved the pin screen, which is stationed right near the entrance. You can press your face or body up against one side and the other side then looks like Han Solo encased in carbonite. I think it was their favorite part.

Sam, Clay (just hand & knee), Shelby, and Nat

Jill getting in on the action (with Shelby and Nat below)

Lakeview had some pretty cool things on exhibit all the time. It was almost hard to drag the kids to Grossology. But once the boys were aware that it involved snot, stinky feet, and burping, they were all for heading in. The exhibits were really interesting. There was quite a bit to learn, but mostly the kids were distracted by the burping exhibit.

As we were leaving, I asked the kids why do we burp (just to see of they were paying attention at all). Sam (Jill’s oldest) was the only one that paid any attention and answered right away. I just got blank stares from the other three. Apparently they didn’t realize it was a field trip experience they were having…Poor kids!

We finished up there and headed to the Spotted Cow for a yummy post museum treat…mmm…MooNewer…

I did take away something else from our little trip to Lakeview. I am even more determined to get the Peoria Playhouse built. Lakeview is small and does a pretty good job with what they have. But our kids need a better place to explore and learn about our community. I encourage all of you reading this to check out the Peoria Playhouse web site and truly consider supporting this fantastic and much needed project.

Let me just start off this post with a bit of a warning: Parental guidance is suggested.

Last night I stumbled upon a remake of Sybil. I was intrigued, but it bored Boyfriend. So he went to the other room to WoW until I was done watching the movie. It was pretty good, but not as shocking since I already knew the story.

The movie ended. And like any normal person after watching a movie on horrific child abuse, I decided to go and try to seduce Boyfriend. (The kids were in Galesburg at a race and we had no obligations for the first time in a long while…you gotta seize your opportunities!)

Channeling my inner sexpot, I confidently strode into our bedroom over to boyfriend and planted a big ol’ kiss on his lips. Surprisingly, I got the reaction I was looking for. I pulled him over to the bed.

In my head, I’m thinking I should channel this inner sexpot more often…It really works!

In the middle of that thought, I suddenly feel a lot of pressure on the left side of my neck. Then my hair was yanked back from the top of my head, a tongue was in my ear, and my feet were being licked.  It takes me about a half a second to process…I forgot about the dogs!

Heyzeus has one paw standing on my neck, the other on the top of my forehead that slid back and onto my hair and was trying to get my attention, hence the tongue in the ear. And my feet…that was Maggie.

Another second later, Heyzeus positioned himself so his head was between mine and Boyfriend’s with his body curled up on the pillow behind us. He had this look on his face like, “Hey guys….What’cha doin’?”

The moment had been successfully killed.

I should have known better than to think that would work out, but neither of us could be mad. I think it’s safe to assume all spontaneity in that aspect of our lives may be over, or at least on hold until all the kids (dogs included) get older or leave the house!